Garbage Disposal

Recently while mixing my protein shake, the little flip top broke off the lid for my shaker cup. That little piece of plastic would now be classified as garbage. Ironically, it went straight down the garbage disposal. I didn’t have time to try to retrieve it then and soon forgot about it. A few days later we had a cook-out. The left over beans were put down the disposal and when we turned it on, there was a short-lived, extremely loud crunching sound – much too crunchy for baked beans. That’s when I realized what had happened. We really didn’t buy a GARBAGE disposal.

Weight Loss

I recently got on the scales in my bathroom. The readout that normally has numbers I don't care to share simply said "LO." What a great day - my weight had dropped so much the scale knew I had reached an all time low. Then my wife told me the batteries were low. Bummer.

Funeral Humor

Recently at my mom's funeral, my five-year old nephew had been given strict instructions on what he could and could not do. He’d not been told what he couldn’t say. He walked up, gave a sigh and said, “I sure wish I could pick my nose.”

Thanks for laughing. We laughed too.

Arkansas

I was recently in Arkansas. I flew into Little Rock then drove to Hot Springs. In Hot Springs they have historic bath houses. Apparently, historically speaking, it must have been a big deal for people there to bathe. Some of them are historical landmarks. Some of the bath houses have implements to wash every area of your body. Some had elaborate looking equipment that looked like it was right out of a Frankenstein movie. It was scary. I didn't bathe the entire time I was there.

On the way back I had a little time to kill. I visited the Clinton Presidential Library. I spent about two hours there looking all around the building. I didn't see a single book! I was amazed. It's not a library at all. It's a big mobile home raised up on a pedestal filled with Clinton memorabilia. A fitting tribute? I'll let you be the judge.

Also while I was there I ate lunch at a family owned restaurant. They advertised a 100 foot buffet of home style cooking. I ate it.

Mr. Healthy

I never knew it took so much to be healthy. I was at the gym this morning when I noticed there were more people than usual in the lobby area. I soon realized we were hosting a ‘health fair’ event. I decided to investigate. Again, I never knew it took so much to be healthy.

I started out with a chair massage to get relaxed. After that I moved on to the botox stand to take care of the wrinkles in my cheeks, followed by a microderm-abrasion facial. Since my skin now had that newly buffed pinkish shine, I headed to the skin care product stand for some anti-aging lotion. That should work well with the botox. Next stop Mary Kay for some much-needed make-up to cover the now skinless areas from the microderm-abrasion facial.

Now that my back was relaxed and the top two layers of skin were gone from my face, I headed to the shoe stand for some new shoes to keep my back from hurting. Right next door was the jewelry booth where I found some nice things to keep my ego from hurting.

With my new healthy body and new healthy accessories it was time to sign up for my tennis lessons at the tennis center booth. Since I’m now playing tennis, I needed to stop at the insurance booth to make sure I’m covered in case I get hit in the eye or twist an ankle.

After all this, I couldn’t leave without stopping at the photographer’s booth for a portrait of the new healthy me. Almost out the door I noticed the local Walgreens folks had a stand. I dropped off my prescriptions and got my flu shot to make sure I STAY healthy. When the needle stuck in my arm, my back tensed up. Yep, you guessed it – one more massage before heading to the car.

Oh, and by the way, I did spend 45 minutes actually doing exercise while I was there. Just call me Mr. Healthy!

It's not WHAT you know . . .

Sitting on a bench after dinner one night at a popular Coastal SC tourist area, I overheard a woman with a northern accent say to her companion, “Aw, look at the cute little chickens.” He replied, “Honey, those are pelicans.” She was sure of herself, but he was even more so. I almost fell off the bench because what they were watching waddle across the sidewalk were DUCKS! No I did NOT make this up. You CAN’T make up stuff this good!

Golf and Babe Ruth

Today I was playing golf with a buddy, John. We both are big baseball fans. We had been talking baseball and about the famous story of when Babe Ruth stepped to the plate, pointed at the fence and proceeded to hit a home run. He was confident, cocky or maybe a little of both.

At the next tee box there was a guy in the distance on a mower. I confidently said to John, “You see that guy on the mower?” in my best Babe Ruth attitude. I was joking of course. Then I hit my tee shot. The little white golf ball raced straight towards bright red mower. John said, “I though you were KIDDING!” I said, “I WAS!” The ball was getting closer and seemed to be picking up speed. With the mower engine roaring, he probably never heard me shout, “FORE!”

John and I watched in horror (OK, I watched in horror, John was laughing) as the ball bounced right across the mower deck. I wasn’t sure the mower man saw my ball because he was headed away from us. I turned to John and said, “That guy has a lot of nerve.” John asked, “What do you mean?” I said, “He just mowed my ball into little bitty pieces.”