Jimmy the Elf

For the past couple of years our daughter has wanted an Elf on the Shelf to show up at our house. This past weekend, Jimmy Elf appeared!

We’re driving a loaner car while Kristie’s van is being serviced. There’s an access door from the back seat into the trunk. Friday night, both kids could NOT quit opening and closing that door.

Saturday as we backed out of the garage to go to lunch, yet again they opened that access door. Kerwin, our eleven year old said, “What’s that?” He reached through just as we had stopped backing out and were about to move forward. His hand came back into view holding a little red figure. Katie, who’s nine, let out a horrific scream, “It’s an elf Kerwin and you killed it. You’re not supposed to touch it!” She then jumped out of the car and ran across the driveway crying from fear. The very thing she’d wanted actually horrified her!

We told her to get back into the car so we could go to lunch. She said “No! That’s a haunted elf!” We assured her that it wasn’t, but she insisted, “Then how did he get in our trunk. It’s not even our car. Maybe he’s somebody else’s haunted elf!” She was literally terrified and would NOT let that door open again. Kerwin tried to play it cool, because he’s eleven, but he too was a bit unnerved.

During lunch, Katie asked our blessing and finished that with, “ . . . and please let our elf Jimmy forgive us.” Later that afternoon, Katie wrote Jimmy Elf a letter on post-it notes and put it in the trunk with him. It read: “Dear Jimmy, Please forgive my brother for touching you. He didn’t realize you were an elf. He didn’t mean to. Love, Katie.”

Apparently all is well now. The next morning, Jimmy Elf was sitting on our mantle over the fireplace. Katie asked me if he forgave them for touching him. I told her that I suppose he forgave them at least enough to come back for one more day!

The top three morals from this story are:

3. Be careful what you wish for. You just might find it in your trunk and feel the need for forgiveness.

2. Christmas is a magical time each year but in the Sonefelt home, the Year of the Elf will never be forgotten.

1. I’ve found a way to keep my daughter from touching the TV Remote . . . put an elf on it!

English Curling Iron

For a recent trip to England we had planned thoroughly. We had even purchased some electrical adapters so we could plug in our American electronic gadgets overseas. Our first morning there, Kristie had plugged her curling iron into the adapter and plugged that into the wall socket. Nothing happened . . . I mean nothing at all. The curling iron light didn’t come on. Being the handy man I am I quickly figured out that there was a little switch right beside the socket. I flipped it. I’m not quite sure if the scream or the puff of smoke came next. All I know for sure is that her hair is now PERMANENTLY curled. At least from what I can tell for now . . . until the swelling goes down.

Getting a Shot

Today I learned how to respond to the news of getting a shot at the doctor’s office. I learned from my nine year-old daughter. The proper reaction is to wait until your big brother is getting his and has all the attention. At that point you slip quietly out of the door of the exam room and go hide in the bathroom. It will take fifteen minutes or more for them to find you and they’ll be so glad to finally see you that they may forget the shot all together – NOT!

Psychic Reading

I keep getting emails from someone named Tara. They always say the same thing: Your free psychic reading is enclosed. Click here, no cost. Now if they were really psychic, wouldn’t they know I’m going to delete this?

Propane Fly Swatter

Last night I met some buddies for dinner at a country Bar-B-Que restaurant. We had finished when a ‘back woods’ looking guy came over to our table and asked how our meal was. It really was excellent and we told him so. We figured he must be the owner. We had noticed several flies on one of the windows and leaving our table he noticed them too. Moments later he emerged from the kitchen with a self-lighting propane torch. I thought he was headed to the porch to light the tiki torches because it was almost time for the bluegrass band to start. Nope, I was wrong. He headed straight for the window with all the flies and started Bar-B-Que-ing! One by one they fell. It’s the most expensive flyswatter I’ve ever seen. I wonder if they sell them at Wal Mart?

Interstate Sofa

I’m sure if you travel much at all, even for a family vacation once a year, you’ve probably seen a sofa on the median of the interstate at some point. I’ve seen many and have even written jokes about the situation. I’ve always wondered just how they get there though. Tonight I figured it out while waiting at a red light. A car crossed through the intersection (a CAR, not a truck) with a sofa on the roof. The sofa was NOT strapped down or even held with a bungee cord. Nope, it was held in place by one of the driver’s hands and one of the passenger’s hands. At first I laughed. Then I thought, “Yep, that explains it!”

Cardboard Chickens

Today I visited a local crafts store and bought some large paper maché eggs. The check out lady asked, “What you gonna do with them big ol’ eggs?” I replied, “I’m trying to hatch a cardboard chicken.” She said, “We got ‘em on aisle twelve.”

Custom Framing

Do the big chain craft stores ever sell their custom framing for full price?

Passive Alarm System

I parked beside a car with a sticker on the window. It was one of those small stickers about a security system that comes on windows from the car factory. This one said, “Warning! Passive Security System.” I wondered what a passive security system does. Does it wait until the thief steals all your stuff before it goes off?

Does it beep or does it say, “I wish you hadn’t done that?”

I had to know, so I smashed the window.

Southern Culture

This morning I had to buy new tires. I always buy them at the same place my father bought them because when it comes to tires, us Southerners are loyal. This morning they were extremely busy. It’s a smaller place out in the country and they don’t have one of those signs saying you can’t come into the work area. In fact they have some old recliners and a sofa right beside where they work on the cars and tires. There’s no glass in between me and where the work gets done. It was like Floyd’s Barber Shop from the Andy Griffith Show listening to all the stories floating around. I was listening, but not really listening until I heard one elderly gentleman say, “When I realized I didn’t have my gun, I got back in the truck and left.” What? My ears perked up a bit. Later the same gentleman, who seemed to be doing all the talking, said, “I wish I could find who keeps lettin’ my donkeys out.” That’s when I realized . . . these people don’t need tires, they just buy them so they have someone to talk to!

Garbage Disposal

Recently while mixing my protein shake, the little flip top broke off the lid for my shaker cup. That little piece of plastic would now be classified as garbage. Ironically, it went straight down the garbage disposal. I didn’t have time to try to retrieve it then and soon forgot about it. A few days later we had a cook-out. The left over beans were put down the disposal and when we turned it on, there was a short-lived, extremely loud crunching sound – much too crunchy for baked beans. That’s when I realized what had happened. We really didn’t buy a GARBAGE disposal.

Weight Loss

I recently got on the scales in my bathroom. The readout that normally has numbers I don't care to share simply said "LO." What a great day - my weight had dropped so much the scale knew I had reached an all time low. Then my wife told me the batteries were low. Bummer.

Funeral Humor

Recently at my mom's funeral, my five-year old nephew had been given strict instructions on what he could and could not do. He’d not been told what he couldn’t say. He walked up, gave a sigh and said, “I sure wish I could pick my nose.”

Thanks for laughing. We laughed too.