Psychic Reading

I keep getting emails from someone named Tara. They always say the same thing: Your free psychic reading is enclosed. Click here, no cost. Now if they were really psychic, wouldn’t they know I’m going to delete this?

Propane Fly Swatter

Last night I met some buddies for dinner at a country Bar-B-Que restaurant. We had finished when a ‘back woods’ looking guy came over to our table and asked how our meal was. It really was excellent and we told him so. We figured he must be the owner. We had noticed several flies on one of the windows and leaving our table he noticed them too. Moments later he emerged from the kitchen with a self-lighting propane torch. I thought he was headed to the porch to light the tiki torches because it was almost time for the bluegrass band to start. Nope, I was wrong. He headed straight for the window with all the flies and started Bar-B-Que-ing! One by one they fell. It’s the most expensive flyswatter I’ve ever seen. I wonder if they sell them at Wal Mart?

Interstate Sofa

I’m sure if you travel much at all, even for a family vacation once a year, you’ve probably seen a sofa on the median of the interstate at some point. I’ve seen many and have even written jokes about the situation. I’ve always wondered just how they get there though. Tonight I figured it out while waiting at a red light. A car crossed through the intersection (a CAR, not a truck) with a sofa on the roof. The sofa was NOT strapped down or even held with a bungee cord. Nope, it was held in place by one of the driver’s hands and one of the passenger’s hands. At first I laughed. Then I thought, “Yep, that explains it!”

Cardboard Chickens

Today I visited a local crafts store and bought some large paper maché eggs. The check out lady asked, “What you gonna do with them big ol’ eggs?” I replied, “I’m trying to hatch a cardboard chicken.” She said, “We got ‘em on aisle twelve.”

Custom Framing

Do the big chain craft stores ever sell their custom framing for full price?

Passive Alarm System

I parked beside a car with a sticker on the window. It was one of those small stickers about a security system that comes on windows from the car factory. This one said, “Warning! Passive Security System.” I wondered what a passive security system does. Does it wait until the thief steals all your stuff before it goes off?

Does it beep or does it say, “I wish you hadn’t done that?”

I had to know, so I smashed the window.

Southern Culture

This morning I had to buy new tires. I always buy them at the same place my father bought them because when it comes to tires, us Southerners are loyal. This morning they were extremely busy. It’s a smaller place out in the country and they don’t have one of those signs saying you can’t come into the work area. In fact they have some old recliners and a sofa right beside where they work on the cars and tires. There’s no glass in between me and where the work gets done. It was like Floyd’s Barber Shop from the Andy Griffith Show listening to all the stories floating around. I was listening, but not really listening until I heard one elderly gentleman say, “When I realized I didn’t have my gun, I got back in the truck and left.” What? My ears perked up a bit. Later the same gentleman, who seemed to be doing all the talking, said, “I wish I could find who keeps lettin’ my donkeys out.” That’s when I realized . . . these people don’t need tires, they just buy them so they have someone to talk to!