Funeral Humor

Recently at my mom's funeral, my five-year old nephew had been given strict instructions on what he could and could not do. He’d not been told what he couldn’t say. He walked up, gave a sigh and said, “I sure wish I could pick my nose.”

Thanks for laughing. We laughed too.

Arkansas

I was recently in Arkansas. I flew into Little Rock then drove to Hot Springs. In Hot Springs they have historic bath houses. Apparently, historically speaking, it must have been a big deal for people there to bathe. Some of them are historical landmarks. Some of the bath houses have implements to wash every area of your body. Some had elaborate looking equipment that looked like it was right out of a Frankenstein movie. It was scary. I didn't bathe the entire time I was there.

On the way back I had a little time to kill. I visited the Clinton Presidential Library. I spent about two hours there looking all around the building. I didn't see a single book! I was amazed. It's not a library at all. It's a big mobile home raised up on a pedestal filled with Clinton memorabilia. A fitting tribute? I'll let you be the judge.

Also while I was there I ate lunch at a family owned restaurant. They advertised a 100 foot buffet of home style cooking. I ate it.

Mr. Healthy

I never knew it took so much to be healthy. I was at the gym this morning when I noticed there were more people than usual in the lobby area. I soon realized we were hosting a ‘health fair’ event. I decided to investigate. Again, I never knew it took so much to be healthy.

I started out with a chair massage to get relaxed. After that I moved on to the botox stand to take care of the wrinkles in my cheeks, followed by a microderm-abrasion facial. Since my skin now had that newly buffed pinkish shine, I headed to the skin care product stand for some anti-aging lotion. That should work well with the botox. Next stop Mary Kay for some much-needed make-up to cover the now skinless areas from the microderm-abrasion facial.

Now that my back was relaxed and the top two layers of skin were gone from my face, I headed to the shoe stand for some new shoes to keep my back from hurting. Right next door was the jewelry booth where I found some nice things to keep my ego from hurting.

With my new healthy body and new healthy accessories it was time to sign up for my tennis lessons at the tennis center booth. Since I’m now playing tennis, I needed to stop at the insurance booth to make sure I’m covered in case I get hit in the eye or twist an ankle.

After all this, I couldn’t leave without stopping at the photographer’s booth for a portrait of the new healthy me. Almost out the door I noticed the local Walgreens folks had a stand. I dropped off my prescriptions and got my flu shot to make sure I STAY healthy. When the needle stuck in my arm, my back tensed up. Yep, you guessed it – one more massage before heading to the car.

Oh, and by the way, I did spend 45 minutes actually doing exercise while I was there. Just call me Mr. Healthy!

It's not WHAT you know . . .

Sitting on a bench after dinner one night at a popular Coastal SC tourist area, I overheard a woman with a northern accent say to her companion, “Aw, look at the cute little chickens.” He replied, “Honey, those are pelicans.” She was sure of herself, but he was even more so. I almost fell off the bench because what they were watching waddle across the sidewalk were DUCKS! No I did NOT make this up. You CAN’T make up stuff this good!

Golf and Babe Ruth

Today I was playing golf with a buddy, John. We both are big baseball fans. We had been talking baseball and about the famous story of when Babe Ruth stepped to the plate, pointed at the fence and proceeded to hit a home run. He was confident, cocky or maybe a little of both.

At the next tee box there was a guy in the distance on a mower. I confidently said to John, “You see that guy on the mower?” in my best Babe Ruth attitude. I was joking of course. Then I hit my tee shot. The little white golf ball raced straight towards bright red mower. John said, “I though you were KIDDING!” I said, “I WAS!” The ball was getting closer and seemed to be picking up speed. With the mower engine roaring, he probably never heard me shout, “FORE!”

John and I watched in horror (OK, I watched in horror, John was laughing) as the ball bounced right across the mower deck. I wasn’t sure the mower man saw my ball because he was headed away from us. I turned to John and said, “That guy has a lot of nerve.” John asked, “What do you mean?” I said, “He just mowed my ball into little bitty pieces.”

Larry the Duck Comes to Life

It had been a long day on the road. I had just gotten in and was unloading the show cases from the truck. Those of you who are familiar with my programs know of the recurring puppet character, Larry the Duck. I have an ‘old’ Larry puppet laying on the shelf just inside the door of my studio. As I walked by with a load of equipment out of the corner of my eye it looked like old Larry moved.

“That couldn’t be” I thought to myself. I went back for another load of equipment. This time by Larry didn’t move. However, on the next trip by he wiggled a little.

I decided to investigate. I went over to pick up Larry when all of a sudden out of nowhere came a rabid chipmunk. OK I’ll admit I don’t know if he was rabid or not, or even if it was a he. It was moving so fast I was barely even able to determine what type rodent it was.

When I say chipmunk, I realize it conjures up visions of the cute little Disney characters ‘Chip & Dale.’ This wasn’t Chip or Dale. This sucker was MEAN! He had assaulted Larry and had taken up residence in his torso.

I grabbed the nearest weapon, a broom that was nearby. I swatted, swung and smacked trying to run the varmint out of my building but he would not go. He had decided he liked it in there. Maybe it was Larry. Maybe it was my new air freshener. Do chipmunks like Vanilla?

I got tired of waiting so I went in the house to get my shotgun. I do live in SC after all. I did leave the door open though in case he decided to leave peacefully. Inside I cooled off and after a few hours went out and checked around. The critter was no where in site and Larry was all alone. I lowered the overhead door, apologized to Larry and went in for the evening.

The next morning I left early for another program when I got a page that we had a message on the voice mail. It was my neighbor. Apparently his dog had escaped and was in our yard. When the neighbor came to get Cash, their black lab he happened to look toward my studio window. The message he left said there was a chipmunk looking back at him. He thought I’d want to know. How nice.

Bad news is that I was away for the weekend. When I returned on Sunday I was afraid to open the door, fearful of what I might find. Would it be roadkill smell? Would it be everything gnawed to bits. Would I find a rabid she-rodent and Larry the Duck in wedded bliss?

Much to my delight, there was no smell, no gnawing remnants and Larry was still single. I left the door open for a few more hours so the chipmunk could find his way home. There’s been no rodent residue or any other signs of him since. Larry is still single with no one to argue with but me.

Cell Phone Driver

I must be getting old. In fact I think I'm turning into my dad. People are starting to irritate me. You know, those that drive while talking on their cell phones. They're a big distraction when driving. Just today I was headed to the post office. This guy on his cell phone was in the other lane. I came up beside him and he didn't even know I was there. He just came right over on me. I had to jerk the wheel to avoid a crash. He caused me to spill my hamburger all over the seat. Lettuce and tomato went flying. He even made me spill coffee on my road map. People really should be more careful.